Before you give more of your heart, watch out for these key Signs He Is Using You.
No matter how much you trust your partner or think you’re in a perfect relationship, I’m sure you must have asked yourself that simple question, “Is he using me?”?.
You sit on your bed, staring at the ceiling after yet another confusing moment with a man, asking yourself quietly:
“Is he with me because he really cares… or am I just being used?”
Asking yourself that question doesn’t mean you’re being insecure or paranoid. It’s wisdom. It’s your spirit trying to nudge you into clarity.
Because the truth is, not every man who says he likes you is interested in you.
Sometimes what he’s after is the comfort you provide, the way you help him out financially, or even the validation he gets from having someone stroke his ego.
And, yes, there are even times when you’re just the “in-between,” a placeholder while he waits for the woman he wants to show up.
It’s painful to admit, but pretending it’s not happening doesn’t make it go away.
So instead of romanticizing crumbs and calling it bread, here are the signs he may be using you, signs I’ve lived through, ignored, and later regretted, so you don’t have to.
Signs He Is Using You
1. He Only Shows Up When It Benefits Him
I remember dating a man who only seemed present when life was falling apart for him.
When he was broke, suddenly I was his “peace.” When he was lonely, I was the one keeping him company. And he was hurting; my shoulder turned into his comfort zone.
But whenever things were good? He was gone.
My calls went unanswered, my needs went ignored, and I started to feel invisible unless there was a problem he needed me to solve.
This is just to say that if his love shows up only when he’s broke, sad, or in crisis and then disappears when you need something, you’re not his partner.
You’re his lifeline, which isn’t love.
2. The Effort is One-Sided
Have you ever felt like you’re carrying a whole relationship on your back?
Like, if you stopped reaching out, there would be no relationship left?
That was me once. I planned the dates, made the calls, sent the texts, and kept the connection alive.
And when I paused, there was total silence. It was like dragging dead weight while he just stood there looking comfortable.
Relationships should feel like a partnership, two people showing up, taking turns, pouring into each other.
If you’re always the one initiating, planning, and investing emotionally while he just coasts, then you’re not in a relationship.
You’re in a one-woman show. And sis, no woman deserves to be center stage in a play she didn’t sign up for.
3. He Keeps Things Shallow
Some men are masters at intimacy on the surface. They’ll cuddle you, call you late at night, whisper sweet things, and make you feel close.
But the moment you bring up anything real, your future, your feelings, accountability, they shut down.
I had one who could talk to me for hours about random nonsense, but the second I said, “So where do you see us going?” he acted like I had just asked him to solve world hunger.
Emotional intimacy is not optional.
A man who values you won’t run from deep conversations. He won’t act allergic to feelings or accountability.
If he can enjoy your body but can’t handle your heart, sis, he’s not in love. He’s passing the time.
4. Money and Favors Are Always Involved
If we are being real, we’ll agree that everybody forgets their wallet once in a while.
But if “forgetting” becomes a routine, or he’s constantly hinting at financial help, that’s not a coincidence. That’s strategy.
I used to think I was being supportive when I covered bills or loaned money.
What I didn’t realize was that his affection spiked whenever I was giving and dipped whenever I set boundaries.
Love isn’t about being someone’s ATM.
Yes, relationships involve giving, but it should be mutual. If the scale always tips in his favor, then what he’s building with you is not love, it’s dependence.
5. You’re Invisible in His Real Life
If you’ve been with a man for months and still haven’t met his friends, his family, or anyone who matters to him, it’s not because he’s “private.” It’s because he’s not including you.
I remember the sinking feeling of realizing I was a ghost in my ex’s real world because I hadn’t met his people, hadn’t been invited into his space, hadn’t been shown off.
I was hidden, and I knew why: I wasn’t part of his future, I was just a secret chapter.
Sis, when a man is serious, he doesn’t keep you tucked away.
He claims you proudly. He weaves you into his life without hesitation. If you always feel like an outsider, then you probably are.
6. Your Needs Are Always “Too Much”
This one broke me the most because it made me doubt myself.
Whenever I expressed what I needed more consistency, more clarity, more effort, I was instantly labeled “too needy.”
He had a way of flipping the script so that my basic needs became flaws. Suddenly, I was the problem for wanting what any healthy woman deserves.
Let me say this clearly: your needs are not too much. Wanting consistency, honesty, and care is not excessive; it’s the bare minimum.
A man who makes you feel guilty for needing love is not your partner. He’s a manipulator.
7. You Leave the Relationship Feeling Drained
The easiest way to know if you’re being used? Check how you feel after spending time with him.
With one ex, I realized I was always anxious. Always walking on eggshells and apologizing for things I didn’t do.
Instead of feeling cherished, I felt smaller and smaller with each day.
That’s not love.
Love should add peace to your life, not drain the life out of you. The right relationship leaves you feeling seen, secure, and valued, not confused and exhausted.
8. He’s Vague About the Future
Pay close attention to how he talks about the future.
A man who’s serious about you will include you in his dreams.
He’ll talk about “we” and “us.” He’ll make plans, even if they’re small, because he sees you in his tomorrow.
But a man who’s using you? He’ll keep things blurry. He’ll dodge with lines like “let’s just see how it goes” or “why complicate things?”
That’s not a mystery, that’s avoidance.
Clarity is a love language.
If you’re always left guessing where you stand, then you’re not standing anywhere solid.
9. He Gets Defensive When You Call It Out
How does he react when you express your feelings?
A man who values you will listen, even if it’s uncomfortable. He may not get it perfect, but he’ll try to understand your heart.
A man who’s using you? He’ll flip the script. Suddenly, you’re “nagging,” “overreacting,” or “making things up.”
Somehow, every conversation ends with you apologizing while he walks away untouched.
That’s not conflict resolution. That’s manipulation, and it’s a sign you’re being kept in a cycle where he benefits, and you suffer in silence.
10. Your Intuition Won’t Let You Rest
Let’s be honest: deep down, you already know.
That uneasy feeling you can’t shake is not you being paranoid; that’s intuition.
That whisper in your chest saying something’s off is your spirit trying to protect you.
We ignore it because we want to believe the best.
We tell ourselves, “Maybe he’ll change,” or “Maybe it’s just me.”
But your gut doesn’t lie. If you’re constantly questioning whether he’s using you, it’s because he probably is.
Wrapping Up
Asking “Is he using me?” doesn’t make you weak. It makes you wise.
Because love that’s real will never make you doubt whether you’re valued.
A man who truly cares will invest emotionally, support you practically, and make you feel safe consistently.
Anything less isn’t love, it’s convenience.
So don’t silence yourself by sweeping red flags under the rug and keep waiting for potential, while your spirit is being drained.
You weren’t created to be somebody’s wallet, therapist, or backup plan. You were created to be cherished.
