Everyone goes through the stages of breakup differently, but the pain is always valid.
I broke up with my romantic partner of two years a few months ago.
Although the breakup was initiated by me for specific reasons, it triggered a range of emotions in me.
One minute I was fine, the next minute I’d be running to the bathroom to cry when I’m in public.
One thing I’ve got to realize is that there’s something nobody tells you about heartbreak: it can make you question your sense of reality.
I don’t mean that lightly.
If you’ve ever truly loved someone, planned your future with them, opened your heart, compromised, prayed, fasted, hoped, and that relationship ends, it doesn’t just hurt.
It shakes your soul.
Especially if you were committed, serious, and intentional about love. Especially if you saw a forever and were blindsided.
Or maybe you saw the red flags but kept choosing him anyway.
Whatever the case, the grief after a breakup is real, and I need you to know you’re not crazy for feeling like you’re mourning a death.
Because in a way, you are. The death of a shared dream. The death of who you thought he was. The death of who you were in that relationship.
And the most painful part is the death of the hopes that you both shared about your future together.
Let’s talk about it, woman to woman.
Stages of Heartbreak
1. Shock & Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
In the first few days or weeks, your brain struggles to accept the reality.
You wake up and, for a split second, forget you’re no longer together.
You’re probably still checking your phone, expecting a message from him.
Re-reading old chats or scrolling through your camera roll, playing videos of you two laughing like nothing was ever wrong.
You may even imagine scenarios where the breakup didn’t happen. Where he calls you to say, “I made a mistake.” Where everything is suddenly okay again.
That’s denial. And it’s normal.
When my relationship ended, I constantly told myself that it never happened. Lol, I was continually lying to myself because it felt too good to be true.
When a relationship ends, especially one you invested emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and maybe even financially in, your mind finds it hard to adjust.
You keep hoping it’s just a phase. You try to be “strong,” but inside, you’re falling apart.
And maybe you’re still hiding it because you don’t want your friends or your family to start saying, “I told you so.”
This phase can be the most disorienting, especially if the breakup was unexpected.
2. Pain: “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
Once the shock starts to wear off, the real pain begins to creep in.
That kind of heartbreak that sits in your chest and makes it hard to breathe.
You cry in the bathroom, on your way to work, and while folding laundry.
You try to distract yourself, but even music, movies, and social media remind you of him.
Oh, my God—I cried. I was sad, but I still had to put up a good face because I wasn’t, and I’m still not ready to share the story with anyone.
You remember the way he laughed. His scent. The little inside jokes. The plans you made. His family, whom you got close to.
And the worst part? Nobody sees this part of you.
To the world, you look fine. But inside, you’re barely functioning.
The deeper the love, the longer the ache.
And the thought of “Ohh, so this relationship could eventually come to an end?”
I mean, people saw my relationship as the standard because I openly discussed, wrote about, and flaunted what a healthy relationship should look like.
And I won’t even lie, I had one to myself, so that pain was felt more.
If you feel this way, it’s abnormal. It’s part of what you’ll go through.
3. Anger: “After everything I did for this man?”
Then the switch flips.
You start to remember the things you tolerated.
The disrespect, cheating, and lies.
The times he made you feel like you were asking for too much when all you wanted was the bare minimum loyalty.
For mine, it didn’t quite end on a good note. It was messy. We said hurtful words to each other.
And afterwards, I was concerned about where those words came from, and it made me angrier.
You get angry not just at him, but at yourself, too.
“Why did I stay that long?” “Why didn’t I see this earlier?” “Was I stupid?”
That anger might show up as tears. As silence. Deleting pictures or unfollowing him. Blocking him today and unblocking him tomorrow.
And I want to tell you this clearly: anger is a part of the healing process.
It’s the moment your self-worth starts fighting to come back. That voice in your head that used to defend him now starts protecting you.
It’s okay.
Let that anger come. Don’t suppress it. But don’t let it consume you.
This is the part where you start to wake up.
4. Bargaining: “Maybe if I had just been more patient…”
Perhaps one day, I might share my story, but after my breakup, I had a lot of doubt about my decision, even though it was ultimately my own.
So I told myself: maybe I should have given him one extra chance, another grace… or perhaps I shouldn’t have reacted in the way I did.
You start to negotiate with yourself.
“Maybe I should have just accepted him the way he was.”
“Maybe I was too demanding.”
“Maybe if I hadn’t picked that fight, he’d still be here.”
You start overthinking every single conversation. You go over every fight. You wonder if maybe it’s your fault.
As a matter of fact, you might even think of calling him to “check in.”
Not because you want closure, but because you’re still holding on.
Let me say this clearly, sis: a relationship that’s meant to last won’t need you to beg for basic respect, attention, or love.
If he truly loved, admired, and respected you, he’d fight for the relationship as much as you want to.
So since he isn’t doing that, hold your peace.
Bargaining is that last pull your heart makes before it accepts the final truth.
5. Acceptance: “This really is over.”
One day, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much.
You won’t flinch when his name pops up or cry when you see your old photos.
You’ll remember the relationship, but it won’t own you anymore.
That’s acceptance.
You’ll start to see clearly again, and you’ll notice how much you’ve ignored, realizing the love you wanted from him that you can now give to yourself.
And healing will begin not all at once, but in small moments.
You’ll laugh more. You’ll sleep better. You’ll love yourself more.
And then one day, maybe months or years later, you’ll look back and say:
“Thank God it ended.”
Because what almost destroyed you ended up becoming your rebirth.
And trust me, you’ll be thankful for it.
But while you’re in that process, don’t rush it.
6. Peace: “It shaped me, but it doesn’t define me.”
I think this is the most beautiful part of the entire breakup.
It pushes you to become the best version of yourself.
Eventually, the grief becomes a part of your story, but not the whole story.
You’ll start to see the red flags you ignored, and you’ll be thankful for the lessons even if you wish you didn’t have to learn them that way.
You’ll stop blaming yourself for someone else’s inability to love you properly.
Most importantly, you’ll learn to love yourself better.
To create boundaries. To raise your standards.
You’ll stop mistaking attention for affection.
You’ll stop begging to be chosen.
And when love comes again, it’ll be on your terms.
What To Do After These Stages
Now that we’ve walked through the grief, let’s talk about what happens next. Because you can’t stay stuck in sorrow forever.
You’re still here. You’re still a woman who deserves real, respectful love. And you deserve to love yourself again.
Here’s what to do after the grief:
1. Rebuild your identity.
Who were you before the relationship? Find that woman again.
And if you don’t recognize her anymore, create a new version of yourself. One who knows her value deeply.
2. Don’t rush into another relationship.
Heal. Don’t use another person as a painkiller. Sit with yourself. Learn your patterns. Ask yourself:
“Why did I choose him?”
“What did I ignore?”
The answers will free you.
3. Let people support you.
Talk to friends, a therapist, or someone safe.
Isolation can deepen depression. You don’t have to act strong for anyone.
You’re allowed to break. That’s how healing starts.
4. Give yourself grace.
Healing isn’t linear.
Some days you’ll be fine. Other days you’ll break down.
Don’t rush it. Don’t shame yourself. Let each day teach you something new about your strength.
5. Use the pain to fuel your purpose.
Heartbreak can be the catalyst that awakens you to yourself.
That business idea, that blog, that thing you were afraid to start.
Channel your pain into purpose.
Wrapping Up
I won’t lie to you, healing is hard. Especially when the love was real.
But I also won’t lie about this: you will survive.
I’m surviving and becoming the best version of myself.
One day, the love you gave so freely to the wrong person will find its way back to you, multiplied.
But even before that day comes, may you fall in love with yourself again completely, deeply, and without apology.
You’re still worthy. You’re still whole.
And this heartbreak? It’s not the end.
It’s just the beginning of your becoming.
